Today is my mom’s birthday. She would have been 95 this year if she had not been taken by cancer when she was 57 years old. I realize the chances are slim that she would still be alive today but all her siblings, except one, lived to their late 80s and early 90s. In fact, one of her younger brothers is still alive, lives alone, and is relatively healthy at 93.

I often wonder what it would have been like to have had my mom in my life for the last thirty years. She’s been out of my life longer than she was in it. I can’t say that I grieve for her anymore, it is more like a longing, a yearning for something I don’t have.

I don’t remember her last birthday when she turned 57. I know that she had no idea that it would be the last birthday she would have. She had been diagnosed with breast cancer in 1984. I remember at the time when she told me, my first words were “Mom, they don’t have to take your breast anymore, you can have a lumpectomy.” Her response was “I don’t care, I just want to live.” She ended up having her left breast removed entirely along with lymph nodes in her armpit. My memory is that the lymph nodes were tested and were negative, but my brother had a different memory, that some may have been “suspect.”

I don’t recall that she had any follow-up treatment as a preventative. Maybe they didn’t do that back then or maybe her doctor wasn’t the best. I don’t know. I only met him once when she asked us to go with her to see him so he could tell us there was nothing more he could do to save her. She was diagnosed with metastatic liver cancer in October 1986 and died the following February.

I never spent quality time with my mom when I got older. I was raising children (often on my own) and she was navigating widowhood and raising children on her own and going back to work (which dad never wanted her to do) and then re-entering the social scene.

I was talking to my daughter the other day and she mentioned that she was going to California in July to see her half-sister and that her sister told her she could stay with her. I know her sister has very little space and shares a home with several other people so I casually said, “well, you know if someone else were to tag along, they could probably pay for a hotel room.” She said, “Really, you would want to go?” “Of course!” I said, “I’d love to go.” So that night, she booked our flights and I booked our Vrbo and we’re set. I’m so excited to spend six days with her in the majestic redwoods and beautiful beaches of Humbolt County, California. (For those of you who follow the author, Robin Carr, and her “Virgin River” series of books and streaming television shows, Humbolt County was the setting for this series.)

So I love this opportunity I have to spend time with my daughter and hopefully, when my 95th birthday rolls around, she’ll have loving memories of me.