I wrote a post a couple of months ago titled Lights On where the writer said that he had been afraid of the dark when he was young and now as an adult, his biggest fear was losing someone he loved. I wrote that post on the third anniversary of my brother, Steve’s, death due to cancer because losing a loved one is the thing I fear most in life. This is part of that post:

My younger brother said that he knew today would be hard on my sister-in-law as it was with all of us. But truthfully, today isn’t any harder than any other day without Steve. He’s gone to heaven. I’m glad I know he’s there, but I wish he was here with us so when I’m down and crying I pray, “God, turn my darkness into light.”

I never once fathomed that today I would be so low in the depths of grief again, because now, that brother, my baby brother Bruce, is gone too.

In all the photos of him, he has this beautiful smile, but hiding behind that smile was apparently something that was causing him immense pain.  I don’t know what it was and I feel the same way most survivors feel; that I wish I could have done something to help him. I don’t know how I will navigate this life without any of my brothers. I never had any sisters, my brothers were all I had after mom died in 1987, Darrell in 1993, Steve in 2021 and now Bruce. And even as I write those words, my breath seems to leave me.

I’ve had to amend my daily checklist of:  Fix Something, Make Something, Clean Something, Read Something, Move More, Be Thankful to now include: Just Breathe.

I am blessed though that I have many people who love and care for me, so I know I’m not alone in my grief.