I am currently going through an “I want” phase.
I want another dog. (We already have two 100 lb. Labs and a 20 pound cat).
I want chickens. (See above)
I want to take a vacation (Again, see above).
I don’t know why I currently want so much. It doesn’t seem to me that I’ve been in this place before. I’ve always been somewhat content with my life and the things I had, always knowing that I was truly blessed to have the things I did. So, why now? Does it have to do with age? I’m hitting that almost 65 range. I remember asking my mother one time what it felt like to be 40. I remember her looking at me strangely and saying, “I guess it doesn’t feel any different than it did when I was 20.” At the time, I remember thinking that couldn’t possibly be right, but now, looking at the “golden years”, I have to remind myself at times that I really am that old.
I wonder if my “wanting” has something to do with the fact that finally, after forty plus years of child rearing, we are empty nesters. My youngest son bought a condo and moved out of the house. Well, he partially moved out, meaning he left a lot of stuff behind that he didn’t want, including his fifteen year old red-eared slider water turtle. Lucky for him, his dad agreed to take care of it for him until Spring when he’s promised to re-home it to his Aunt’s pond. If not, we have a creek really near our house, Just sayin’.
I know why I want to get another dog. Before we got the two Labs that we have now, we had another Lab and a Pit Bull. Both of those dogs were absolutely wonderful dogs, but unfortunately, we lost both of these dogs at eight years old and within four months of each other. Both of the dogs we have now, who are half-sisters, will be eight years old this year. I’ve told my husband that we need to “layer” the dogs in case we would lose one, the other one wouldn’t be alone. Sounds like a plan to me. But I’m not sure where I’d put another large dog bed in my bedroom.
As far as the chickens go, I’m not sure. I’ve never had chickens and my only real exposure to them was when I was young and we would go to my grandma’s farm. She had chickens, we’d feed them field corn and step in chicken poop. I can even remember helping her gather eggs on occasion. I remember it felt really weird to stick your hand under a chicken and they were very soft except when they’d peck your arm or hand. Lucky for me that didn’t happen too often because grandma had over 25 grandchildren so that’s not much grandparenting to go around.
Vacation is the easy one, except for all the other things I want. I love to go and see different things. Take a little time away from the same ole, same ole. But, we have our animals so spoiled that we are really afraid to leave them at home at the mercy of other people. I mean, what if they forget to come and let them out, or feed them, or just be around them? They are our “girls” and we treat them like family. They would think we abandoned them, that we didn’t love them anymore! And if I did get chickens and we did decide to take a vacation and did have someone come several times a day to let the dogs out, would that person want the added responsibility of taking care of chickens too? I think not. Oh, yeah, and I forgot the cat.
Then there are the other things that I want, that prey on my mind. I want my children to be happy and healthy and successful. I want my grandkids to be studious and kind and athletic and popular. I seem to worry about each adult child for different reasons. One child has had a problem keeping a job successfully, another has a good job but seems to be having difficult relationship issues with his co-workers. One is in a highly dangerous job (at least in today’s world) and one flies around in a small plane all the time, another dangerous job. And that doesn’t include a step-daughter who is like a nomad, constantly moving, changing jobs, changing boyfriends, changing vehicles. That concept is completely alien to me. I’ve lived in the same house for almost 30 years; I’ve driven the same car for seventeen years; I worked in the same company for 27 years, I’ve belonged to the same church for 35 years and I’ve been married to the same man for over 20 years. Any wonder why I’d worry about her?
Maybe my wanting is just a way to assuage my worry. Whatever it is, I don’t find myself moving very quickly on doing anything about the things that I think I want. I think I want to just wait. And, I think I need to stop worrying and “give it to God”.